FRENEMY

The Best Cleanse In The Whole Wide World

Hey, I’m cool. If you want to do a colonic cleansing, go right ahead. A lot of people love them because they’re convinced they remove their ‘toxins.’ This cleansing thing is big — there’s even a mobile colonic cleansing truck in my neighborhood.

Ah, life. When I was a roly poly little lass (because my mother bought Whole Milk instead of Skim), a “Chow Chow” truck would drive around the neighborhood ringing its chimes and sell gloopy Chow Mein noodles in an edible noodle bowl. Nowadays, you wait for the cleansing truck, jump in and come out detoxified (and extremely dehydrated.) Whatever.

Frankly, the only cleanse I’m wild for is the cleansing of toxic people, the ‘frenemies.” I know first-hand that it’s tough to end a friendship but it’s a necessity if you’re going to shoot for the stars. How to do it? The road map for identifying and jettisoning these dear people is in The Essentials of Fabulous but I don’t mind repeating myself (it’s a family trait):

#1. Identify the frenemy. Are there people in your life who can’t say a nice thing even when you look like a knock-out, got promoted or went from part-time to full-time employee? It’s okay, be suspicious.

#2. Have you ever had lunch or dinner, coffee or breakfast with a friend and walked away feeling less than ebullient about yourself? You may have gotten a paper cut. Enemies stab you in the back…frenemies know a few paper cuts will do the trick.

#3. They can’t help themselves. You confide in your friend and suddenly everyone knows that you and your partner are having problems. She begs for forgiveness but can she be trusted? (Uh, no).

#4. They like to deconstruct a relationship of yours that’s gone sour. Fascinated by your alleged difficulty in maintaining a friendship, they want to rehash it every time you get together.

#5. They take pleasure in other people’s misfortunes. They probably take pleasure in yours, too. (Keep your mouth shut.)

#6. You see her/his name on the caller I.D. and let it go to voice mail. Face facts, my friends. You’d love them to drop out of sight — permanently.

#7. You “once had Paris.” Many years ago you were the closest of friends until you met the love of your life and she’s still trawling the guys on Match.com. She’s not a big fan of your “sweetie” and thinks he’s illiterate. Maybe she’s right? (Paper cut).

#8. You’ve been working a lot and haven’t had much sleep. You look a bit peaked. Actually, you look like a mess. Why is she the only one who mentions it? Huh? Huh?

#9. Radio silence. Whenever you talk about yourself, she’s quiet as a mouse but when she talks about her life, she wants to hear you purr like a cat (“wow,” “no kidding,” “that’s super.”)

#10: He doesn’t green light your dreams. In fact, he undermines, scoffs, second-guesses, and acts utterly perplexed when you talk about the things you’d love to do.

#11. Roll up your sleeves. You’re ready: Call your frenemy and tell her the relationship is not working. Listen while she rants and raves and calls you every name in the book. Wish her well and say “au revoir.” Click. Dial tone. Whew.

Cleanse, baby, cleanse.


CREDIT:  The Essentials of Fabulous by Ellen Lubin-Sherman